This is something that has been running through my head over the past few days and I keep trying to find the right words…so instead of perpetually searching I’m just gonna write down whatever comes to mind and see where it takes me.
A few days before Christmas I decided to dye my hair purple. It was something I used to do at the drop of a hat before I got married and had kids (before I started infiltrating this thing called ‘normal’). I loved changing the color of my hair. Amethyst purple. Peacock blue. Fire engine red. Sea foam green. Cotton candy pink. Although my all time favorite? You guessed it…purple. It was how I expressed myself. It’s how I let the world know how I was feeling. You know what I mean? But then I got married and decided that it was time to grow up. Stupid. I know that know. But I figured since I was spending time around soldiers, generals and their wives I may as well look the part and not embarrass my husband. So I stopped dyeing my hair. Then I had a baby. Another reason to look the part of someone’s mommy and not like I work at Hot Topic. I have a hard time enough as it is getting the other mom’s to talk to me and maybe even be friends with me, let me not make it even harder for myself by being…myself. Sigh. Fast forward a few years of this nonsense called normal…
Enter depression. And trust me this isn’t just about the hair. This was many years of suppressing my own personality. Don’t let anyone know how freakin’ weird I actually am. You know what I mean? Then a couple of years ago I decided to take two ‘fuck-it’ pills and not even bother trying. I needed to find my own people. Where they were, I had no idea. But I was going to find them.
And thanks to my awesome BFF ladytairngire I found the Written Remains Guild. At the time they hadn’t even invited me to be a member of their guild (which I still think it’s amazing by the way) but it was nice to finally find a group of people where I could be myself. I didn’t have to hide the fact that I like Hello Kitty and Tokidoki. I didn’t have to hide the fact that I was obsessed with fairy tales (some people even find this trait endearing). I didn’t have to hide the fact that I was writer (yes, there are people out there that know me as a persona and don’t know that I’m a writer). I didn’t have to hide at all. I could just be myself. And it was awesome. It was great to be able to talk about books I was reading. Projects I’m working on. Weird dreams I have. Ideas for stories. And finally someone who laughed at my stupid jokes.
It’s funny. Even after all these years I was still trying to fit in somewhere. And I finally have found a place that just for me. 🙂 Writers. My people. Sigh. Makes me happy just to think of our monthly breakfast meetings. No one batted an eyelash when I debuted my purple hair at the last meeting. It was almost like they were expecting me to do something like that.
When I dropped of Mason at school? Each of his four teachers took turns picking him up in the morning (I drop him off at school he’s in preschool) just so they could see my hair. It took them three days but they all got a turn to look at the weird mom. 🙂 It’s okay. I don’t mind. At least I’m happier with myself these days. I still have my days where I don’t wanna get out of bed. My depression isn’t going to go away just because I’m finally at peace with myself and who I am as an individual, but at least it’s getting easier to face the world. At least I’ll teach my kids that it’s okay to be yourself even if no one else understands. Because you will always find a group of people (no matter how small) that like you just the way you are.
My hair a few days after Christmas.
My hair a few days ago. Gonna go back to purple as soon as I get my new hair dye in the mail. 🙂